PETE’S* relationship finally broke down when his then partner took out a restraining order against him.

He admits to having been verbally and physically abusive – he threw things at her, punched her, threw her to the floor and even bit her.

His anger and violence were increasingly spiralling out of control when his partner suggested he got in touch with the Hampton Trust.

The Southampton-based organisation runs a voluntary programme, ADAPT, for men who are or have been abusive to their partners and want to stop.

When I met Pete last September he was very enthusiastic about how he was progressing on the 30- week course.

I found it hard to match the gentle, friendly 30-something care worker from Southampton to the catalogue of abusive behaviour he admitted subjecting his partner to.

He seemed to be the poster boy for the success of the course. “I’ve got no excuse for the way I behaved,” he said at the time.

He said that signing up for the course was extremely difficult and the biggest thing he’s had to do in his life but that it was worth it for the changes it was bringing about in him.

But with the weekly twohour group sessions over would the changes really stick? Would Pete’s ex-partner consider going into a relationship with him again and would it remain free of abuse?

Yes, yes and yes.

Pete got back in touch with his ex-partner shortly after he finished the course. He explained to her the things he had learnt and the changes he had experienced and she agreed to rekindle their relationship.

They took things slowly to begin with but after two months he moved in with her and her five-year-old son.

“Before I attended the ADAPT programme my relationship with my partner was quite abusive,” admits Pete.

“The police were being called every weekend because of domestic violence and arguments. Since getting back together the police haven’t been called out once – there hasn’t been one incident.

“It’s really nice and I look forward to spending time with my partner now. Before I was always thinking ‘oh no, are we going to have another row?’ and was worried that the time we spent together was going to be bad. I don’t feel like that anymore I look forward to the weekends, to spending time with my partner and the children and doing nice things.”

Pete has two children from a previous relationship who don’t live with him and also refers to five-year-old Elliot*, his partner’s child, as his little boy.

His relationship with Elliot, which has blossomed since he completed the ADAPT programme is one of the things that Pete is particularly happy about.

“My relationship with him is growing all the time. We’ve developed a bond because he knows we’re not arguing - he knew we weren’t happy before.”

Whenever Pete speaks about his partner and children an uncontrollable grin spreads across his face. He says he’s excited about his life now and the future but admits that he has to work at the changes in his attitude and behaviour he implemented in the course.

He has attended two Relapse Prevention Groups and intends to take part in more and carefully monitors himself to make sure he doesn’t slide back.

“I definitely can see the old behaviour in myself and have to remind myself of the tools in my ADAPT programme on a regular basis. The key things for me are communication – active communication – and coming to a healthy understanding.

Definitely another key thing for me is self-awareness checks. It’s part of my life now. If I’ve had a stressful day at work I’ll avoid having conversations that could be confrontational.

I am cautious – it’s up to me not to go back to that way of behaving.”

Pete says that everyone in his life has noticed how much calmer and happier he is these days and adds that he’s got no intention of going back to his old ways.

“Before I felt I was trapped in a cycle of being abusive and angry. But just asking for some help and attending the programme it’s opened up so many opportunities and such a wonderful life. I’ve got a life beyond my wildest dreams. I love my partner and children so much and I’m the happiest man on the planet!”

*Not their real names.

PETE’S PARTNER TOLD THE ECHO:

“I would definitely not have taken him back had he not completed ADAPT. I thought the course worked well and he has definitely learnt new skills that make our relationship better”.

FACTFILE

● One in four women is a victim of domestic violence.

In 86 per cent of domestic violence incidents men are the abusers.

● 89 per cent of domestic violence incidents are against women.

● In 90 per cent of domestic violence incidents the children are in the next room.

● An average of two women a week are killed by their current or former partners in England and Wales.

Source: Hampton Trust

THE ADAPT PROGRAMME

The ADAPT programme is aimed at men who want to stop their abusive behaviour in relationships. They are encouraged to think about why they abuse, the impact of the abuse and to explore strategies and techniques to avoid using abusive behaviour. It includes a women’s support service – men must provide details of their current/ex-partner in order to be accepted on to the programme.

For more information, visit hamptontrust.org.uk ,email info@hamptontrust.org.uk, or call 023 8021 3520.