Siblings can feel left out

COMING to terms with the death of a brother or sister is never easy - especially when you are only a child yourself.

All the usual feelings of anger and guilt apply but the situation becomes more complex with a child trying to cope with a whole range of emotions.

Often a child will hide their true feelings with the death of a sibling. They will see that their parents are already hurting and will try to shield them from their own despair.

"If a child is quiet and seemingly coping, that is the time to worry.

"And if they keep bottling up their feelings with no outlet for their emotions, there will be consequences," she said.

Jan, 41, had been working at Naomi House for some time when she realised that siblings were often overlooked.

The emphasis was on caring for the sick brother or sister and often the sibling got left in the shadows.

"Often it is very difficult for parents with a sick child. They become more like nurses to that child rather than a parent - and other children can feel left out.

"It is a question of priorities but siblings can be left to cope with feelings of jealousy and resentment.

"It may be that they haven't been able to have friends round and as a family they might be restricted as to where they can go together.

"Brothers and sisters can feel guilty about having these feelings but I am there to tell them it's entirely normal for them to feel like that," she said.

As sibling support worker Jan is there to help brothers and sisters come to terms with their feelings and talk about how they feel.

"My job is about building bridges initially and getting to know the whole family. You can't understand a child without knowing the whole family dynamics," she said.

Jan has an e-mail address that she makes available to families and they can contact her day or night.

"I just want the families to know I am here for them and they can contact me whenever they like either in person or by the e-mail.

"Bereavement and grief can happen before the death - and there can be a very strong release of emotion.

"If anger is not channelled in the right way it can be a very destructive emotion.

"I took a couple of the young people into the grounds and we got hold of bamboo sticks and thrashed the trees with them.

"It made them feel a lot better and it was a safe and controlled way of dealing with their anger," she said.

Helping Jan to build relationships with families is Jake, her CHATA (Children in Hospital Animal Therapy Association).

"He has been at Naomi House for three years and he's great. He has a great temperament and he can sense the mood. One child spoke for the first time ever when they saw Jake - which is quite amazing.

"He helps create a different atmosphere in the house - and the children remember me as Jake's mummy," she said.

SAM Barnes was transferred from Southamp-ton General Hospital with a brain tumour and came to Naomi House for terminal care.

During his stay Jan worked with his brothers Tim and Ben to help them come to terms with Sam's impending death.

Sadly Sam died on September 11 2003 after being at Naomi House for about seven weeks.

Ben said: "The greatest benefit of Naomi House was that I didn't have to go home.

The journeys to and from hospital took 40 minutes each way and weren't pleasant emotionally.

Because I got to stay at Naomi House, it gave a "family feel" to the place which was what I needed during the stay.

Every member of staff provided help. Jan was a big help because she was easy to talk to. She provided the answers that I felt I couldn't ask Mum and Dad.

I can't think of anything that was missing. The only problem was that I was a long way from my friends.

The support needs to continue afterwards because it's the brothers and sisters who have to live with it and we need help to learn how to live with it, so it's no longer a huge burden but a sadness that doesn't drag us down."