THERE'S something so cosmically wonderful about a person surnamed Duff churning out movies which are exactly that!

The headlines are there written for you - and for Hilary Duff's outing in this film, they've been understandably harsher than Simon Cowell.

America's dyed-blonde teen princess takes the title role, as down-trodden Samantha Montgomery (incidentally the name of the witch in Bewitched), who lives in the Valley with her horrible stepmother (Jennifer Coolidge) and stepsisters, after having lost her father in an earthquake when she was a young girl.

Now, eight years after that tragic event, she's working herself to the bone in her dad's diner, renamed Fiona's, and serving weird fish dishes in the hope that her nasty stepma will fork out the fees for her dream college, Princeton.

She alleviates the horror by day and night with texts and e-mails to a mysterious man she knows only through his cyberspace identity.

But when he suggests meeting in the middle of the dance floor during the school Hallowe'en ball, she's strangely dismayed to discover that instead of the deep poetic soul she imagined, he is in fact the mega-popular student body president and captain of the football team, Austin Ames (ex-model Chad Michael Murray from Dawson's Creek).

Now, I'm as big a fool for sappy romance as the next girl and so had a sneaking suspicion that I would enjoy this despite its limitations - but it was not to be.

Readers may be surprised by the strength of criticism here - so no angry letters from irate teens, please - but this appallingly derivative money-maker has been created with simply the latter in mind, and shows neither love of the classic nor any originality in its updating.

The inexplicably famous Hilary Duff, whose hair roots vary from shot to shot, is a complete non-entity, with neither the stunning looks nor engaging personality to win over any non-fans.

And it doesn't help that she's so completely swamped by the comedy dramatics of Coolidge and the charming performances of some key members of the supporting cast.

Terribly written, cheesier than Cheddar, and to be avoided.