“YOU can tell a lot about what a man is like in bed by the way he dances.”

This age old adage is particularly true in my case as I just don’t.

Nothing is worse for me than going to a club and seeing my friends start edging their way to the dance floor.

I try to encourage heavy drinking to make them lethargic but all too often alcohol gives them a burst of energy.

The problem is people are unwilling to believe that anyone really hates the thought of dancing as much as I do and they tend to mistake the phrase “no, I don’t want to” for “I will but only if I am nagged for a while.”

Or even “I’ll probably be more enthusiastic if you attempt to physically drag me in that direction.”

Not normally a shy person I feel incredibly self-conscious on the dance floor and I would certainly never have the audacity to swagger arrogantly up to an attractive girl and try to seduce her with pelvic thrusts and a winning smile like I have seen attempted by many a night club smoothy.

On occasions where it has been utterly impossible to avoid it my technique has been to leap up and down ever so slightly and hope those around me will mistake my constant movement for dancing. Most of the time though I sit this activity out with the drunks and those who are already coupling hating myself a little as I watch other people hogging all the fun.

Also it seems to be a fantastic way of meeting women and I have watched many a friend use sheepdog like skills to separate one off from the group and then strike.

If I’m honest I long for the day I have the confidence to walk over to hotpants wearing lovely, kick her in the ankles and ask her if she wants to dance.

To improve general skills I recruited the help of gorgeous and internationally acclaimed Flamenco dancer Renata Nunez.

Despite her claims to the contrary I am fairly sure I am the least co-ordinated dance student she has ever had.

Now women tend to look much better than men when they dance anyway and they seem to have more rhythm and sweat less but Renata was mesmerising when she moved.

However, after a few pointers I improved a little and could clap in time as she wriggled her body to the music with the grace of a mermaid I had at least grown in confidence enough to move next to her like a dancing potato.